Portrait.

In talking with Alexandra about her portraits we talked about how often people try to put her in a box.  She said she feels like people see her one way and yet she feels like she is a totally different way. Often Alexandra feels like it is expected that she is put together and composed- whether that be simply in dress or also in the way she holds herself. This ideal for anyone is hard to maintain. That is why Alexandra’s ideal portrait is what other’s think she ideally is. I think very often we try to put everyone in a box here at Wheaton so we can feel good about knowing who he or she is and everything they encompass. When in reality, no one can truly fit in a box; so to be shoved in one feels unnatural, irritating, and uncomfortable. This is ideally how people see Alexandra, in a box prim and proper. But the purpose of the portrait was to show the flaw in this ideal. She physically cannot fit in a box, and looks frustrated that people assumed that.

Alexandra’s real portrait is the way Alexandra sees herself. This is what is real to her. These clothes, this expression, the emotion, this is the way Alexandra sees herself and wants others to do so as well. I didn’t want this portrait to be heavily influenced by the real way that I see Alexandra, because I wanted it to be her portrait. So this is the real Alexandra in her own eyes; Breaking out of that box, and proud to be doing so.

I think that after making the portraits, I wished that she hadn't been smiling. And I wish that I could've fixed an entire thing made of boxes for her to sit upon. She was happy with them, which I was very grateful for- because ultimately I wanted her to feel like she had been well represented.

I don't know that either of these truly are Alexandra, because can you really capture anyone in a photo? Ever? You can catch glimpses of them. But i think often of the picture that Ali drew on the board where I think portraits are a glimpse into someone's life, but can you really represent a person? I would love to see that done, I don't think the odds are in your favor.

The portraits of myself I can’t say are my favorite things. I truly did enjoy the process of talking with Pepper and hearing her react to my sharing. But to answer these questions:

What do I look like? I think I look like a housewife serving some random people. I think I look out of place.  I look like Lauren, I am Lauren, but it doesn’t feel like a ‘portrait’ of me. It more looks like a picture of a dinner and is about a lot of people. Which I interesting when thinking of who I am and whether or not, me, is really all about me. I think it’s necessary to capture who I am, for God has made me individual and quite unique, yet there’s a part of this that I really like because it’s not about me necessarily- it’s more about the act of service. What if that truly was a portrait of me? I’m incredibly broken, so in no way does service sum me up, but what if that was a portrait of me- would that be any closer to a portrait of Jesus? I don’t even really know which photo was meant for real and which for ideal, they’re both the same set up. The bible seems a bit clique, but it was well intended. The entire real and ideal of someone cannot be summed up in a photo, clearly, I think to some extent we would all agree that because we are all created individually we cannot be summed up into one sheet of paper.

In total by looking through both sets of portraits- I don’t really know if the criteria would call them portraits. But, there are definitely recognizable faces, and they are what the photographer makes them, and I don’t like the idea of being constrained to a formula for a portrait. There should be organization, and I don’t know that the photos specifically of me follow that organization needed for a portrait, but I think it makes you think, and question.

With both sets, in speaking with two different partners about what my real and ideal is and what theirs is, it was cool to see what peoples hopes and aspirations are, how those align with others desires for their life, and then ultimately how they would align with what the lord has in store for them. Real and Ideal- real can mean who you are, really, what is true about you- more the route that I took in photographing Alexandra. But ideal has different connotations though, it can mean who you wish you were or who others wish that you were or pretend that you are.